I had a complete meltdown today. I stood on the scale and saw the dreaded number – which for me is 200lbs and I completely lost it. I have been fighting this bloody battle since I was 10 and I just cannot seem to figure it. To be fair I did lose close to 20 lbs. But for the last 3 months I have moved between 198 and 202 lbs. I just can’t seem to get below 200 lbs and it’s driving me insane. I have decided that weight loss is a big enough issue in my life that I need a blog that is devoted to it. I need a space to talk about and obsess about this.

So, the meltdown – I have been eating well and exercising, I hit 198 lbs last week and the day after I was back up at 200 lbs. I couldn’t explain the weight gain – I had eaten healthy except for 1 small pan fried dumpling stolen from Mr.CC’s plate. And since then I’ve been in a pissy mood. I do not want to lead a life of complete deprivation, I do not want to go on a crash diet, I do not want to take some ridiculous supplements. But I’m beginning to feel like unless I actually do something crazy I am not going to lose any weight. And so I’m beginning to get pissed off with the whole diet and exercise thing – and usually that leads to a ‘fuck this’ moment after which I go off and eat everything in sight. I have managed to keep it under control by loosening up a bit – I’m trying to get in the junk food I’m craving but in a controlled fashion.

Of course this latitude in eating means that the scale is not going down and so Mr.CC found me on the bathroom scale in tears. Yes, I know that a simple solution would be to just stop stepping on the scale for a few days and maybe I will do that – I don’t like to do that for too long because that is my way of avoiding the entire weight issue. But I think maybe staying off the scales until Thursday is a good idea – clearly it’s hurting more than it’s helping.