It was all going so well. I had found a lovely bridal salon with wonderful, helpful people. I had found a dress that I loved. We got started on the process of placing the order for the dress, I got measured and then she asked me ‘What size do you think you’ll be in 6 months?’ On noticing the expression of wild panic on my face she rushed to reassure me and said ‘Oh, don’t worry we’re really good at figuring this out, and as long as you don’t lose 30 lbs you’ll be fine.’

What size will I be in 6 months? Will I lose 30lbs?? Oh my god, I have no idea! That’s like asking me to predict how much snow we’ll get this winter. How the fuck would I know?? You think I have any idea what this body will do – Yes, yes, I do in fact live in it, but our communication skills? Not so good – Our relationship resembles that of an old, embittered couple who on discovering that divorce is not an option, have resolved to stoically co-habitate until one dies. Really, we don’t talk much and as a result are never quite sure on any given day, what the other has planned. ‘Will you be home for dinner, should I cook for just myself or the two of us, or will you eating us out of house and home?’, I ask waspishly. ‘ Will you be providing me some food today, or am I being punished for some unknown transgression, by being sent to bed with no dinner tonight?’, my body asks frostily. Frankly, this an improvement – until recently our relationship was closer to that of an old, embittered couple that was actively trying to hasten the other’s demise. Atleast we’ve now accepted that we can’t be rid of each other.

Alright CC, breathe… calm down – Let’s see, I’m good at math, I’m good at collecting data, I should be able to figure this out. I begin drawing complicated graphs and calculating the slope of the line in my head – In June I weighed 222lbs and was down to about 202lbs by mid-July. Between mid-July and mid-Oct (really, it’s mid-october already?) I have lost 4 lbs. That’s roughly 6 lbs a month, so maybe I can lose 30 lbs in another 8 months. On the other hand, if I look at my most recent weight loss, it’s about 2 pounds a month so I definitely can’t lose that much weight in 6 months. Sometimes I just plateau for months and months and months and if that happens, I may weigh exactly as much as I do right. And sometimes, when the stars align, the wind blows just right, the neurotransmitters and hormones are perfectly balanced, and the butterfly flaps its wings in South America, I drop 15 lbs without even really thinking about – a couple of those and I could have lost 45 lbs by the time June rolls around. But wait, there’s a new job between now and then. Add in the stress of weddings and new jobs between now and June, and not only could I lose 45 lbs, but also gain another 60. So, let’s be safe and assume that I cannot lose 30 lbs in the next 8 months.

The panic subsides for a brief moment and then I realize – oh shit! lets not forget that the amount my body weighs has absolutely no relation to what my measurements are. In June, when I weighed 222lbs, I was tight size 18W. By mid-July I had dropped 20 lbs, but had only gone down a size to a tight size 16W. In the last 2 months I’ve lost maybe 4 lbs and yet my body has clearly changed – I’m out of the women’s department (thank you god!), seemed to have been a size 16 for exactly one week (which would be the week I went shopping for clothes – see also: poor communication with body) and am now a tight size 14. Years ago, I wore a size 14 when I weighed 180lbs. Even taking into account changes in clothing sizes and increased muscle mass due to working out more, this is a little bit ridiculous, yes?

While all this was going through my head I was just standing there blinking owlishly at the poor woman. Thankfully, I didn’t think all of that out loud. I just ended up saying ‘I might actually lose 30 lbs, I mean that is the plan – but I don’t really know if my body will work according to the plan.’ So, we ended up getting something I could fit into right now. It’s a tight squeeze, but it fits. If I drop a ton of weight, I’m going to pay a fortune to have it altered. But I will be so happy to have lost weight, I probably won’t mind. That was a relatively easy problem to solve. But now I’m going to have to solve a harder problem – feeling like I have some say over what my body will be like in 6 months.