One of my triggers is being called fickle. I don’t know why, but whenever someone so much as implies that I am fickle, capricious, changeable, inconsistent, erratic, I get pissed off. My gut tightens and I get defensive. I hate it – I have a few ideas about why I get so enraged at being thought of as fickle, but that’s the subject of another (and probably waaay too long to be of interest to anyone) post. Because I have such a negative view of being inconsistent, I have prized being constant, consistent, steady all my life and not surprisingly, this has spilled over to my attempts to lose weight. This time around, however, I have been extremely fickle.

My diet has changed drastically – During the summer I was travelling in India and was eating a very traditional North-Indian diet. For some time I was at a naturopathic spa for a while so was eating vegetarian for 10 days, with a three day detox fast thrown in. Then I came back and did something that approximated Precision Nutrition, after which I’ve had weeks when I eat more protein, followed by weeks that I eat more fruit and veggies. Last week I was really focusing on restricting my carbs, and this week I’m bringing them back up slowly. My exercise – just as flaky. During the summer, mostly walking and yoga, then a month or so of focusing on weights, I did a month of the Afterburn program. Now I seem to be drawn towards cardio – when I go to the gym, I want to spend longer and longer on the cardio machines, I keep checking out the step and spinning classes and will probably be making my way into one soon. And some weeks I just don’t exercise at all – like last week, I was exhausted all week so I just didn’t work out.

“Flaky! Inconsistent! Ineffective! You’ll never lose weight this way!” my mind screams. And I agree, deep inside me there is this sense of doubt that any of this will ever amount to anything. That I am doing it all wrong and unless I find some program and stick to it soon, I’m going to get really, really fat really, really quickly. Except… I’m losing weight. Not as quickly as I’d like, but I am losing weight. 24 lbs in 4 months is nothing to sneeze at – sure, I’d like it to be closer to 32 lbs, but then I’d also like to win the lottery. And 4 months of being focused on losing weight – I haven’t been able to stay focused for that long since 2001. Sure, there have been varying degrees of focus, and even a week here and there of not caring at all, but at least I have not done one of those prolonged 6 month long stretches where I am completely off the wagon. And you know what’s even better? Those weeks when I’m not losing weight – I’m not gaining weight either. Which means I haven’t gone hog wild and eaten everything in sight like I usually do when I’m not ‘on a diet’.

I’ve stumbled on this fickle attitude because I’m just not capable of my perfectionist approach anymore. Tell me that I need to promise to stick to a diet for 4 months, or tell me that I need to do a particular exercise routine for 2 months, and I’m liable to shove said diet and exercise routine where you don’t want it. I’m not particularly comfortable with this cavalier attitude, and every now and then a voice inside me says ‘ This loosy-goosy approach to losing weight is making me very nervous, when are we going to stop this silliness?’ But for now, it’s all I’m capable of and it seems to working so why stop, right?