I always do this – get up and running on a diet and exercise program and then suddenly I lose it. And I don’t mean that I lose it for a week or so. I’ve been out of focus for all of November. I’ve gained a few pounds, not too many but still it’s a gain. Have stayed off sugar for the most part except for thanksgiving and the day after. But no exercise and not watching what I eat have caught up on me. Thankfully I’ve only gained about 4 lbs but this is not the direction I want to be going in.

Why the lost month – I don’t know. I have no real excuse but I’m constantly overwhelmed. No, actually I do – In the last month I’ve been dealing with planning 2 weddings, having family visit and going to visit family, 2 dogs who have constantly had to have visits to the vet, tenants doing stupid stuff to the house thus requiring me to spend time and energy on fixing things, my car breaking down and being in the shop for 2 weeks. And I’m doing all of this while living in and trying to renovate this house that (at this point I just have to state this somewhere publicly) I loathe. Long story short, big house, filled with crap that requires so much work it makes my head spin. That’s the external stuff. Internally I’m a bit of a mess too. Too much change and transition make me a little crazy and I make it worse by trying not to acknowledge it. I’m looking down the barrel of two major changes in identity with the wedding and changing my job and if the high levels of anxiety are any indication, it’s freaking me out.

So, things are a little intense. What adds to all this craziness is that I am sooo angry with myself for having lost my focus. I’m getting married in little over 2 months and I just hate the fact that I will be doing so at such a high weight. I know I shouldn’t care, I know I should focus on the fact that I am marrying a wonderful man and am fortunate to be celebrating this occasion with so many people I care about – but damn, I’m just so sick of losing the battle with weight and am so sick of having this be an issue at every juncture of my life.