My last post has got me thinking about whether I really want to lose weight – I’m not sure if I really feel this way or if its just a low point in the weight loss cycle. You know, when you get tired of doing what’s necessary to lose weight, get tired of not seeing any movement on the scale and then decide ‘Fuck it, I don’t care about losing weight anyway’ and go off on a month long binge. I don’t know, it could be either.

What I do know is that my views towards being fat and losing the weight have changed over time, but I’m not sure my approach to weight loss has. I don’t think that I care as much about losing weight as I used to. My reasons for losing weight are fairly limited – I don’t like the way my clothes look, I don’t like the way my body feels (tired, achy, stiff). That’s it. Those are the only reasons I want to lose weight. To be honest these issues sometimes spill over to other things. For example, because I don’t like the way I look in clothes going out sometimes takes me more energy than it should – Occasionally, I have to fight the voice in my head that says ‘You look fat and ugly and can’t go out and meet people like that’. Because my body aches I don’t go out and do some of the things I like (hike, swim, kayak) as often as I would like to. Or if I do go I have had to talk myself into it because I refuse to fall back into that I’m-fat-I-can’t-do-anything mentality. I really enjoy wearing nice clothes and dressing up, but over the last few years have stopped because I find it hard to dress up at this weight. Even with all that, being at this weight is not too bad. There are a lot of things going well with my life and I’m not sitting here feeling like life is passing me by because I’m fat. Progress, right? Yes, well except for the fact that it puts me in this no man’s land regarding weight loss. It’s not a big enough deal for me to do what’s necessary to lose the weight. On the other hand I can’t seem to let go of the idea of losing weight and be happy at my weight.

When being fat was a big deal that impacted every facet of my life, I had no problem doing whatever was necessary to lose weight. Now that it isn’t, I’m bloody picky about what I will and will not do. I will not eat anything that tastes like crap. I will not eat less than 1500 calories. I will not eat chicken breasts at every meal. I just won’t do anything that is too unpleasant – I just don’t seem to have the will power for it anymore. Unfortunately, that is the only way I know how to lose weight. I do not believe that it could be relaxed and easy – unless I am making myself very uncomfortable I must be doing something wrong. Oh, the irony – I’m losing weight so that I will be happier and more comfortable in my body, except everything I do to lose the weight is geared towards making me unhappy and uncomfortable.

Maybe that’s the key. Instead of focusing on losing weight, maybe I need to focus on becoming comfortable and happy in my body. Which may involve losing weight, but will definitely involve something else as well. OK, will definitely involve losing weight – at this point I cannot imagine being comfortable in my body without losing weight. But maybe if I focus on becoming more comfortable in my body, one day I will get to the point where it will happen regardless of the weight I’m at. Now that I think about the time when I lost a ton of weight- being thinner helped me feel more confident and realize that my weight didn’t stop me from living my life. But, I wouldn’t say that I had got to any degree of comfort and ease with my body. My body was just something that I had managed to control for a brief spell in my life not something I enjoyed an easy and comfortable relationship with. I’m beginning to suspect that getting comfortable in and with my body is what’s more important here. Weight loss may or may not be necessary for that, but it certainly isn’t sufficient.

So, what does one do to become comfortable in one’s body? Actually, what does it even mean to be comfortable in one’s body? Here’s where I wish I had readers! Maybe I’ll have to delurk at some of the other blogs I read and ask them for their opinions.