That would be the answer to my last post. If I my knees and back didn’t hurt, if I could look at myself in the mirror and like what I see, if I could go shopping for clothes without feeling like I’m signing up for a torture session, if I could enjoy being in my body – I wouldn’t give a damn if I never lost another pound. Huh. It’s a strange feeling and I’m not quite sure what to do with it.

At this point I’m not sure I truly believe that I can do all that without losing weight. Yes, I know that’s the wrong answer – I should be able to disengage from all the media hype and socialization, but I’m not sure I can. For the majority of my life I bought into the weight loss bandwagon and have been trying to lose weight. I knew about fat acceptance and supported it intellectually, but it was not for me. Not because I thought there was something wrong with it, but because it seemed too difficult. To me standing up and saying ‘I’m fat, and I’m absolutely fine with it’ required levels of confidence, self esteem and emotional clarity that I never thought I could attain. I never felt strong enough to do it and losing weight  seemed a lot easier.

For the last few months I’ve been examining my feelings about weight loss. I’ve also been reading fat acceptance blogs and research on obesity. I no longer believe that my being fat is a huge problem in my life, and I’m also reading other people who don’t believe it is for them either. It is incredibly refreshing to hear a perspective on fat that I never really allowed in. But, I’m still reserving judgment about what I’m going to do – I feel like I bought into the weight loss argument without really questioning it and I refuse to do that with the fat acceptance argument either. Wherever I go next has to work for me and not just be a result of the latest round of brainwashing.

So, for now I think I will remain betwixt and between – a position best described by my behavior this morning when I opened up Google Reader. I couldn’t decide whether to go into the folder called ‘Weight Loss Blogs’ or ‘Fat Acceptance Blogs’.  Maybe a period of cognitive dissonance will precede some form of growth, or maybe I’m just setting myself up for a giant mindfuck.  In keeping with this changing internal focus, I’m changing what this blog is about. It began as an offshoot of my other blog to provide a space for me to focus on my weight, my feelings regarding it and how I was going to go about losing it.  Now I’m not so sure that it is weight loss that this is focus of this blog or this journey.  The fact that I named it ‘healthcoursecorrection’ rather than anything about weight loss foreshadowed this change in direction, I suppose.

Stay tuned to hear about my adventures in moving towards a sound mind in a sound body.