Well, we’re done with the 8th week.  I had my first visit with one of  OB/GYN practices I’m considering.  We saw the heartbeat!  Mr.  CC was there and completely fascinated with it.  I guess for him that was the first visible sign that I really am pregnant and not just pretending so that I can sleep all the time! It’s quite sweet, he keeps looking at the photograph.   I didn’t get too excited for some reason –  to me it just looked like a grainy black and white blob.  Plus, I’m still so irritated that this takes so damn long (really, May, I have to be wait till May?!!) that I’ve just sort of lost interest.  Does that make me a bad mommy-to-be?

 The nausea has pretty much gone.  I’m lucky, but every now and then it scares me because that was really the only thing  I could point to and say ‘look I’m still pregnant’.  Now the only symptom I have is that I am constantly tired – and really that could just be due to the fact that I’m bloody lazy! But the tiredness – it’s more than physically tired, I seem to have this deep mental exhaustion too.  Anything that requires thinking is too tough and my brain just feels strangely unable to connect the dots.  For example, figuring out what to get from the grocery store seems like this huge confusing task – I’ve been doing my own grocery shopping for about 15 years, even when I’m disorganized and don’t have a list, I can do a reasonably good job of getting the things I need.  Now, I feel that I need a list, but making a list seems like a completely herculean task.  Why do I need a list? Because I’m so tired I’m not cooking regularly, or something that looked appetizing at the grocery store just seems so completely uninteresting that we now have a full fridge with various items well on their way to becoming science projects.   And all this chaos in my fridge is driving me crazy so I’m telling myself that going through everything we have and making a list based on that will make me feel better.  Great idea but in practice everytime I sit down to make the list the list my brain says ‘uuuughh, lets go lay on the couch with the dogs’. 

Part of the problem is my perfectionism.  I am determined to eat HEALTHY so I want to plan these daily menu’s full of lean protein, veggies, whole grains – but really when it comes time to plan, my entire being just rebels.  Or it would if it had the energy – right now it just decides to take a nap.  Alright, that’s enough.  I’m just going to get myself to the grocery store and buy the essentials, fruit, cheese, milk, yogurt, veggies.  I’ve done this before it’s really not that hard.  This stupid focus on perfection is completely backfiring.  I’m aiming for just good enough.