Yeah, that’s about as elegant a title you’re going to get out of me. I had my appointment with my midwife yesterday, and as the nurse is getting me prepped she says ‘So, what did you eat before your Glucose Screening Test’. Umm, nothing. I woke up, drove over to the lab and had it done. ‘Wow, your numbers are really high – normal is 140, you were 235’. WTF?!!

Midwife comes in and says with numbers this high she isn’t even going to bother with the 3 hr test. She ordered a HgA1c, which will give us some sense of how high the numbers have been for the last 3 months, ordered an ultrasound, and scheduled a consult with the OB in the practice. Based on that they will determine if I can stay with the current hospital or if I will need to be transferred to the big, high risk hospital in the area. Usually I don’t react to bad news for a while, but for some reason I was just SO upset.

I’m worried – what if my sugars have been uncontrolled for months and it’s been a problem for the kid? What if I get diabetes later in life, statistics say 50% of women with GD are likely to get type 2 diabetes later in life. While my eating hasn’t been perfect, as a former low-carber, I really don’t do plates of white rice or pasta or carbs. Sure, I like my french fries everyone once in a while, but I now tend to just balance carbs and protein because I prefer the way I feel when I do that. So, where do I go from here – back to some draconian low carb diet?

And the guilt, oh the guilt – my eating should have been perfect. There are plenty of places I could have cut – did I really need to have that ice cream sandwich every night for the last month? And pizza last week and the week before? I should have lost weight before getting pregnant. I should have exercised more. Should, should, should, and everyone one of them seems to have such weighty consequences on the kid.

And then I’m pissed – I’m pissed at my body, it’s always something, isn’t it? I couldn’t just be pregnant and be problem free. I’m pissed that after going through all the hassle of changing doctors, I may have to change again! I’m fed up of figuring out new systems – I’ll have to figure out how the next practice works. In the last year, I’ve had 3 different insurance carriers (switched from mine to Mr.CC’s, which then switched to new carrier on in Jan), and my brain is just tired of figuring out new things. And I’m soooo pissed off that after finally getting away from dieting and obsessing about food, I will probably have to measure out 20g portions of carbs, obsessively journal everything I’ve eaten and then add on blood glucose testing – YAY! So much for intuitive eating.

I’m pissed that I have a job I hate (long story – job is OK, but new Dean is nuts, which makes it hell on a daily basis). Part of the reason I focused on my PhD/career etc was to be in a position to have both career and kids. Now here I am with a career I’m not really too fond of, with a job with very little flexibility, maybe no paid maternity leave and a kid on the way. I really feel like I did it all wrong. This wasn’t meant to happen.

So, that’s where I am… Well, this too shall pass.