So, I have to say this somewhere – I’m in a really tough and dark place right now.  The lack of sleep is really doing a number on me, and Mr. CC and I are not in a very good spot right now.  Without going into too much detail about private matters, he’s dropped the ball on certain things and that will put us in a very tough position in the short run.  We are going to be strapped financially and may be even incurring some debt, and we are (but mostly, I am) going to have deal with bullshit from his family that is very hurtful.

I recognize that it will be all be OK eventually.  We are both working and have jobs, and have much more than most people, we will get out of this financial hole.  I’ve done it before and I will do it again.  The family shit will also pass, we are moving towards certain things that will get family out of our hair.  But I am so fucking angry at Mr. CC.  I need this anger to go away, I need to be in a more positive space, but I can’t, I’m furious.  I’ve been asking him to take care of this shit for years – YEARS!!  And now, because he didn’t do his part I’m fucked.  I had hoped to drop my hours down a bit so I’m home an hour earlier and can spend time with LittleC – can’t do that now.  I had been hoping to transition to my own business, not sure if I’ll be able to do that now.  Between needing to work full time and LittleC, I’m not sure I’ll have the time.  I am currently having to cover all expenses to do with LittleC – daycare, diapers, food, medical.  It’s tough to feel like I have so much responsibility at a time when I feel so exhausted and brain dead.

Anyway, I decided today that I need to get to a therapist.  I spend a lot of my day crying.  Mr.CC and I can’t really have a conversation without fighting. I’m doing my best to hide it because my parents are here and I really don’t want them to worry, but I do think that I need to make sure that I have someone who knows exactly where I am.  Maybe I have post partum depression – I don’t think so, I’m reacting to situational stuff, but I’m not an expert and I need to go to someone who is.

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