LittleC slept through the night – well, I know I did, I still have to confirm that he did!  I put LittleC down in his bassinet at about 11 pm.   I think I heard him cry around midnight.  I had swaddled him in a receiving blanket and had I used either the miracle blanket or the swaddle me, I don’t think he would have woken up.  Anyway Mr. CC had the first shift and he got him down again.  I woke up feeling surprisingly rested trying to figure out what had woken me up – no alarms, no crying.  About 5 minutes later I hear crying and Mr.CC says ‘We have a hungry boy’.  I stumble into the nursery and start feeding him and realize it’s 4:30 am.  I slept for 5 hours!!  I have to quiz  Mr.CC to find out if LittleC was asleep the entire time, but I do know that he skipped his 1 am feed.  He’s done that a couple of times and it certainly makes life more bearable for me. And here I am at 6 am having a cup of tea while LittleC sleeps.

I’m also feeling a little foolish – wouldn’t you know it, right after I finally admit how worried I am about LittleC and his smiling, he smiles.  I got a few smiles that could have been wishful thinking, but yesterday there were witnesses.  A friend from college,  T., is visiting and she saw it – it’s confirmed, I’m not just making it up.  With those smiles something shifted.  I’ve always thought LittleC was really cute, but in the last few weeks had sort of settled into a grim, businesslike mindset – I was focused on getting things done for him and making sure he was fed, bathed and sleeping.  It didn’t really feel like I was dealing with a person, just a bunch of needs that I had to meet.  And now suddenly I see that there is a little person there and that this could actually be fun.

I had been stressing out about how incompetent I feel.  I’ve basically been staying at home except for the occasional foray out to Target or various doctors and I would just leave LittleC at home with Mr.CC or my mum.  I would talk to other mothers and they would be tell me about their trips to the mall, the grocery store or the park.  The thought of doing that was just exhausting.  Also, I’m lucky in that I have a lot of company at home since my parents and Mr.CC are here.  I never actually get to the point where I feel like I’m going crazy.  Anyway the other day I went to the train station to pick up T and suddenly it felt like the easiest and most natural thing to put LittleC in his carseat and take him with me.  It was easy and not at all stressful.  He was actually awake and not fussing and seemed to enjoy the outing.  On the way back he started crying and didn’t stop until we turned into our driveway, but even that wasn’t so bad – I’d been a little afraid that I would freak out if he had a crying jag while I was driving.  Nope, it didn’t really bother me all that much.

So, I have decided to lighten up and trust that things will work out in their own time – Both LittleC and I will do things when it is the right time for us and stressing or pushing it is not going to help.

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