Diet


I haven’t written much about weight, in truth because I really didn’t give a damn about it with everything else that’s been going on and frankly, I’m OK, no actually, I’m thrilled about that.  Anytime weight is not something I’m thinking about it’s a good thing – unless I’m not thinking of it in an escapist, “if I pretend I haven’t gain 2o lbs then maybe I haven’t gained them” way.

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I am a big girl (how big, people always want to know – 5′ 8″ 214 lbs pre pregnancy, somewhere between a size 16 – 18). I used to be smaller – around 180, but have been dieting all my life. Have always been considered overweight by myself and those around me. For about a year or so before I got pregnant I had been moving away from dieting and had been experimenting with intuitive eating. I had been in the first stage of intuitive eating – rejecting dieting and learning to make peace with food. I had only been moderately successful because no matter what, I could never really get to the point where I was not worrying about gaining weight. I may not have stood on the scale, and I may not have talked about it, but it was always there in the back of my mind. In hindsight, maybe ‘the year of weddings’ wasn’t the best time to try not worrying about my weight. What with all those dresses that I needed to fit into.
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Unsurprisingly, conventional wisdom has proved to be nothing but a big, giant idiot as far as dealing with nausea during pregnancy is concerned. This really shouldn’t come as a surprise to me- when they say every body is different they really aren’t lying. You probably should experiment with what works for you, but here’s what worked for me. Full disclosure, I’ve been really lucky with morning sickness so far. No actual vomiting yet, just nausea for a short period every day or so and it has never lasted for more than 4-5 hours. On the off chance that what I’ve been doing is helping I thought I would put it out there.
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Remember how I said the nausea is pretty much gone? Not so much. Last thursday, I was sitting in a morning meeting at work and literally thought I would hurl right then and there if I did not get some food into me and fast. I had eaten a toast with peanut butter for breakfast and was completely fine one minute and the next was hit by a wave of hunger and nausea. Literally wrapped up the meeting up so I could get out of there and eat something. And then for all of thursday and friday all I wanted to do was eat, eat, eat. I have not had any of those “I need to eat and I need to eat now” moments I have heard expecting moms have. I gained 2 pounds overnight so I would really rather not have this be an ongoing thing. (more…)

It’s slowly sinking in that I’m pregnant. I cannot believe that I’m going to be pregnant, if all goes well, for 9 months!! All the way to May! It just seems so damn bizarre to me that it’s going to take sooo long. This one week has seemed interminable. I guess, I’m in a bit of a hurry to get through the first trimester and all the testing etc.
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So, as if my body acceptance / weight loss journey wasn’t complicated enough for my small brain, there is one more factor to throw in. I am 5 weeks pregnant. I’m ecstatic…  A little surprised. Not a complete surprise – we were trying (sorta) and I was anticipating that this might happen in the next few months. But I thought I had a little more time to get…I don’t know what? Organized, more grown up, more put together? And yes, I did want to say ‘get in better shape’.
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So, remember when I was going to work with fat acceptance and see where it took me? Still there, still working on it, and still have a long way to go. In certain ways, I find it just as stressful as the weight loss thing. I find that I have a lot of thoughts about being fat, some complete crap (everything would be so much easier if I could just lose 50 lbs) and some with a whole lot of truth (when I was thinner and in better shape, kayaking was a lot easier). In the purely physical realm, there are certain things my body does better when I’m in shape, and yes, when I’m thinner. I just can’t reject that truth.
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