Exercise


I haven’t written much about weight, in truth because I really didn’t give a damn about it with everything else that’s been going on and frankly, I’m OK, no actually, I’m thrilled about that.  Anytime weight is not something I’m thinking about it’s a good thing – unless I’m not thinking of it in an escapist, “if I pretend I haven’t gain 2o lbs then maybe I haven’t gained them” way.

(more…)

I haven’t really been doing any in the last few weeks – sure, I can blame the nausea and tiredness but I have to admit that’s not the whole story. I have slowly been falling into my usual perfectionist patterns and my mind starts rationalizing not exercising with ‘Well, you’re going to get fatter anyway and you can’t do anything about it so what’s the point? Everyone keeps telling you not to over exert so you can’t really work out that much anyway, you’re going to be doing nothing but walking and lifting light weights which we all know does nothing. If you can’t lift heavy weights and fit in 3-4 HIIT sessions a week what’s the point?’ And then from there we switch over to some good old fashioned self hatred ‘ Well, you could have been doing all that if you had been doing it regularly before you got pregnant. And no, doing it regularly for 4 weeks and then not again for 3 weeks does not count as regular. But you couldn’t get it together to get a regular exercise program going, could you? Now you’re stuck doing nothing and just getting fatter.’
(more…)

In October 2006 I moved in with my boyfriend (who is now my husband). It was a stressful and complicated move for various reasons. In the space of 2 months I put on 15 lbs – yes I can do that very easily when I’m stressed. Sometime in November I had to go shopping for a suit since I had an interview coming up. I had been practically living in my comfy clogs but since I thought I might be out shopping for a long time, I decided to wear a pair of flats. It was a god awful shopping trip because I could not find anything that looked or felt right and I was out there shopping for 6 hours straight.
(more…)

You’ll never guess what I did today. I bought an elliptical trainer – for my house. That would be my warm and toasty house that is not crowded with strangers and is not a 20 minute car ride from me. I’ve been agonizing about this forever and have been trying to figure out whether it would be the best decision I ever made or one of the most guilt inducing ones. My thoughts kept going back to the Nordic Track machine I bought in 1995 and used probably 10 times until I sold it 3 years later. Or the home gym Mr. CC has in our basement that I haven’t used once in the year that we have lived together. I kept hearing this voice that said ‘What’s the point, you are so inconsistent you never stick to anything – it’s just going to become a very large and expensive coat hanger.’ And then there was the fact that I’m still paying off debt – should I really be making such a large and sort of unnecessary purchase.
(more…)

One of my triggers is being called fickle. I don’t know why, but whenever someone so much as implies that I am fickle, capricious, changeable, inconsistent, erratic, I get pissed off. My gut tightens and I get defensive. I hate it – I have a few ideas about why I get so enraged at being thought of as fickle, but that’s the subject of another (and probably waaay too long to be of interest to anyone) post. Because I have such a negative view of being inconsistent, I have prized being constant, consistent, steady all my life and not surprisingly, this has spilled over to my attempts to lose weight. This time around, however, I have been extremely fickle.
(more…)