Spirit


That would be the answer to my last post. If I my knees and back didn’t hurt, if I could look at myself in the mirror and like what I see, if I could go shopping for clothes without feeling like I’m signing up for a torture session, if I could enjoy being in my body – I wouldn’t give a damn if I never lost another pound. Huh. It’s a strange feeling and I’m not quite sure what to do with it.

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My last post has got me thinking about whether I really want to lose weight – I’m not sure if I really feel this way or if its just a low point in the weight loss cycle. You know, when you get tired of doing what’s necessary to lose weight, get tired of not seeing any movement on the scale and then decide ‘Fuck it, I don’t care about losing weight anyway’ and go off on a month long binge. I don’t know, it could be either.

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No, this is not going to be a list of things that are wrong with my life because I’m fat. I feel like I have to tell you that because this post takes forever to get to the point. What? You wanted coherent, to-the-point missives from me?

I’ve been thinking about my weight loss history, spurred on in part by the fact that I’m getting married in January in India and will not be anywhere near thin. It is time for me to accept that I will be a fat girl when I get married. I’ve been finding this a little difficult. Let’s just say that if you think that it is hard being a fat girl in the U.S., it is nothing compared to being one in India. In my experience, negativity towards fat is expressed more subtly in the U.S. than in India, and I’ll take the subtle discrimination over the overt, comments on my weight and what I should do about it. Part of it is cultural – our concepts of privacy and boundaries are different from those in the U.S. Part of it is situational – I have very little family in the U.S. and therefore have had the luxury of choosing my inner circle. Needless to say, I rarely choose to hang out with people who comment negatively on my weight. This wedding then becomes the perfect storm of cultural and situational factors for me – I’m going to be smack in the middle of a cultural milieu where it’s not OK to be fat, it’s OK to be told that to my face (in many, many, oh sweet lord, so many ways) and where I have very little ability to choose who is around me.

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I always do this – get up and running on a diet and exercise program and then suddenly I lose it. And I don’t mean that I lose it for a week or so. I’ve been out of focus for all of November. I’ve gained a few pounds, not too many but still it’s a gain. Have stayed off sugar for the most part except for thanksgiving and the day after. But no exercise and not watching what I eat have caught up on me. Thankfully I’ve only gained about 4 lbs but this is not the direction I want to be going in.
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